Sunday, November 04, 2007
♥ 1:10 PM
Its been a week.
I still long for IJ.
I'm in VJ. I'm there now.
So much has been going on.
Things happen and people change.
I don't regret my choice, I think its a splendid opportunity for me to be my best. But I'm afraid that I'm not able to cope. Everything's really in my face now. Its the first time I'm pressured to perform before anything's even started. So much is expected of me now, and I really hope this is going to work. God only gives us things that we can manage with. But I worry, I worry I cannot cope. I worry. I don't know. This is unfamiliar. I'm not sure who I am anymore. Its like I don't know myself. I hope this is a good thing. Its growing up. Too much change is coming to me. I know I can do this. Its just really so hard to be my own person. And I don't know what I want to be anymore, who I want to be anymore. Its a new environment, I can be anything I want to be. But I don't know what that is. I want to be myself. Myself. The one who's happy and makes jokes out of anything and everything to make life more bearable. Myself, who's sociable but not too sociable. But with new people, you never know what the limit is. Am I going beyon sociable? Am I going beyond myself and crossing over to plastic? I don't know. Someone help me. Am I even ready to take on so much responsibility and work? I don't know.I want change. I want to be bold, do something different. Be more than the one who knows she can't do it, and doesn't try. But the more I try, the more evident that I am bad at this. Help me, please. Everything's so contradicting. Where I'm not ready, they give me so much. Where I am, they can't be bothered to see me. I'm trying, I'm trying. I don't know how prepared I am for this. I'm confused, pissed off and just annoyed. I need a break. I need to get all this away. I don't want to try to sort anything out anymore. Cause I can't do this on my own. I need God. I want to know what I'm doing. I can't go around living a blind life. I can't, I can't. I need to know the direction, the way, the truth and the light. I need information, I need details. You tell me so little and you expect me to respond correctly. Then you don't tell me anything at all. When I try, I just become more desperate, and I become shunned. I don't know what the f is happening. And nobody can explain. This is hell, and I know it. It sucks trying to be everything I want to be. It sucks trying to please the general public and the people I think I need to please even if I hate it so much doing it. I don't know 'what's going on. I'm sickened. I'm losing my apetite. This isn't even what I'm supposed to be worrying about. I'm lost, give me a map, help me find my way out. Its all a lie. Everything that used to be burning is going out. And I can't hold on to it. I'm letting go. Its okay, I'm not important anyway. I'm just the little one who plays the team part. The one who boosts your ego, cause I'll never be as good as you. And I'll always be in awe. Its okay, that's perfectly fine with me. Thanks.I'm so tired. I'm exhausted. Everything's coming down. Nothing's working out. I want something to work. I don't even know myself. I feel like I'm changing and I know it. And I can't stop it. Its hard, its very hard. I'm struggling. I don't know whether I want to stay the same or change. Changing is fine. We all change, we have to. We're growing. But staying is fine too. I like the way I interact with my friends. I like the way they see me and the way I see them. Its pure, pure. I'm becoming confused. More confused by the minute. Its exhausting me mentally and emotionally. It's hard. I'm pressuring myself, people are pressuring me. Basic expectations, basic goals. Things I want for myself, things people want for me. Things I simply think I can do. Things. Help. I know I need it.I'll miss IJ alot. alot. They say transitions are hard. But after 8 years they're impossible, almost. My friends mean the world to me. They've been so much comfort. They've been so much in my life. I can't bear to let them go just like that. Thank you, thank you. I love you, really. Unconditionally. I've learnt to accept your flaws and your weaknesses. Just as you have mine. Its wonderful to have friends you know will help you no matter what. But its horrible knowing that I'm dropping the bomb and hoping nothing will change. I'm stupid. Slap me, smack me; oh kill me, why don't you?
I'm just so confused, I don't know where I'm headed or why I'm going there. I'm feeling so much in so little. I'm not emotional. I'm just tired, tried and too confused. Everything that was so pure, is all going away. I'm trading the magic for challanges. I'm sickened by the trials. They help me grow, but I don't know what I'm doing. Lord, help me. Let me feel your presence. I want to accelerate, I want to be pushed. Lord, let me be able to take the pains. The sacrifices. Give me the strength to go on, always.
At the end of the day. I'm thankful that I've challenges to face. I need to grow. I can't stay the same forever. Ceteris Paribus is a dream. A scenario. A false reality.
"There's gotta be more to life"jaime.
On Hiatus . ^^
Or at least I'm trying.
&when will you take me away on a balloon?
