Thursday, April 26, 2007
♥ 4:55 PM
the indifference is finally wearing off.
today. i feel like i should never have been born. i feel so horrid. i feel like crap.i don't know what's wrong with me. why am i proving to myself that i am becoming dumber and dumber each day? why? i've been making so many big mistakes, but none of them leave an impact on me. and here i got being myself, and i feel like i have made the biggest stupidest most idiotic mistake in the world that will affect all my future prospects in all other schools. why do i feel this way? i mean, i've apologised about a million and one times already, but i can't get over it. why?!?!this must be the punishment for gossiping. fine, no more gossip. i still feel terrible. i think i should transfer myself to an uninhibited class so that any of my stupid actions would not affect anybody anymore. move to an uninhibited place and live alone. so that my mistakes would affect me and me alone. i won't hurt anybody, i won't dent anybody else's impression. i feel like i've commited a big sin. like i've murdered someone.but we can never live alone. does this mean, we can never make mistakes? i feel like i never want to make a mistake ever again. like mistakes are out to murder me, and swallow me whole. but we're humans and we make mistakes, and we can't be humans without them. aye. i feel so guilty. we tried our best to apologise and do penance. i'll do my own penance. i hope this makes me feel better. aunty michelle said guilt feeling is made by you. and when god forgives, he takes the feeling away. does this mean i'm not forgiven? or is my conscious over-working herself? i don't know. and since my chances are like almost zero now, i shall work to get a better stream then.
pressure is getting to my head. i wish i was in the worst class ever. then we'd work without pressure. that would be really nice.
"My Lord above, take away my sorrows, please."jaime.
&when will you take me away on a balloon?
